A Speech Writer Nonpareil

Someone at the DNC needs to give The Rude Pundit a job. He needs an editor, of course. But any fool can excise the nasty bits and leave the nuggets of pure, red meat, cut-through-the-bullshit, common sense appeal to even the dimmest soul. The blogsphere is chock-a-block with smart people who are adept at wading through the morass of politics and exposing the insanity of our modern political process to the light of day. But people who can actually write are rare indeed. Many, many is the time, I've found myself pounding the desk reading one of his posts, going "Fuck, yeah!"

Because if and when one gets past the profanity the things he says are exactly what needs to be coming out of the mouths of Democratic Party leaders. Take this pre-third presidential debate passage for instance... (Warning, very profane language.)

When Kerry is asked, "How do you answer the charge that you are one of the most 'liberal' members of Congress?", he doesn't answer, "Bob, let me begin by saying that what you are asking is a stupid goddamned question that only has meaning if you've been busy wolfing down chowder from Karl Rove's boner. Holy shit, what the fuck does that mean? No, seriously, ask anyone in the audience if they even understand what it means, 'liberal.' And you know what? Not a motherfuckin' one of them will know or they just know some goddamn lies. 'Cause they've been taught to react to the word like a bull that gets an electric prod shoved in its nuts whenever it wants to wander off in another direction. So fuck your goddamn label. And don't you smirk at me, you Bush bitch, you little corporate whore, so painted red by pharmaceutical companies, with your little slit mini-skirt and no panties, ready for Merck or Exxon/Mobil or Carlyle to negotiate a price for your sweet policy pussy. I'll come over to your fuckin' podium and force feed you a bowl of mercury emissions and we'll watch you twitch and dance, motherfucker, dance as that toxic shit eats away your fuckin' brain man, makin' you seem like more of a retard than ever. And now I'm talkin' to all my bitches in the audience, every motherfuckin' one of you sittin' in your tiny apartments, in your decaying nursing homes, shovelin' discount mac and cheese from Wal-Mart into your faces, listenin' and watchin' this shit, still thinkin' that this insignificant bitch, this dickless wonder, gives a holy happy fuck about you, lemme tell you what a liberal is: a liberal ain't some sandal-wearin' pussy who sobs for the spotted owl while abortin' children, invitin' Osama Bin Laden over to dinner for sensitivity training, and donatin' money to French Faggots Against America. No, motherfuckin' liberals got shot down tryin' to make sure you had an eight-hour work day, motherfuckin' liberals got lynched for sayin' people oughta be equal, motherfuckin' liberals got beaten down tryin' to stop the Vietnam War. And the next day they got up and kept keepin' on. It's this cocksmoker and his buddies who will sell you out in a second, sell your organs and your nuts and your souls, if Halliburton tells 'em to do it. You wanna die? Vote for that hunched over Mama's boy with Daddy issues. 'Cause he'll kill you. He may not do it with a gun, but he'll kill you slowly, with broken promises of education for urban America so that my homeys have no choice but to be gangbangin', with tax cuts that drain the Treasury like so many vampires with so many sweet virgins, with health care policy that amounts to 'Oh, fuck it, just pray and hope Jesus wants 'em in heaven,' with an environmental policy that says clean air and water are decided on by energy companies, oh, and sorry about all the skin cancer and hurricanes, with a 'security policy' that amounts to fuckin' beggin' the Lord for another terrorist attack on chemical plants or ports so that Bush bitch can send John Ashcroft out to remove the Constitution from the archives and jack off on it in front of the Congress, screaming, 'Jesus loves me' as he comes and his cum wipes the ink from all those beautiful amendments, drippin' free speech away, drippin' fair and speedy trials away, goddamn, Ashcroft wants to wipe his dick on the Bill of Rights. You wanna vote for that 'cause you're afraid I'm a 'liberal'? Then, fuck it, enjoy the slow, painful death of America. You keep clingin' to that Republican-fed dream, man, as you're huddled in the darkness and cold 'cause you can't afford the oil to heat your house, even workin' fifteen hours a day at two jobs, as you're eatin' dog food and rationing out your scrips, you keep believing that better days are comin' and goddamn those September 11 terrorists for makin' your life so miserable. Yeah, you and your dying American dream can comfort yourselves that you didn't vote for the liberal," then the debate will be worthless.

Now, a PG version:

Bob, let me begin by saying that I welcome that question. I'd like to ask anyone in the audience if they even understand what 'liberal' means. You know what? I'll bet that most of them only know lies. 'Cause they've been taught to react to the word like a monkeys in a psychology experiment. Choose the right answer get a banana, chose the wrong answer, get an electric shock.

I want to address every American watching this debate. Anyone sitting in a tiny apartment, in a decaying nursing home; anyone whose dinner tonight might have been discount mac and cheese from Wal-Mart, not because it tastes good, but because it's all they could afford; anyone listening and watching this and still thinking that this man across the way from me really cares about you.

Let me tell you what a liberal is: a liberal isn't some sandal-wearin' hippy who sobs for the spotted owl while aborting children, inviting Osama Bin Laden over to dinner for sensitivity training, and donating money to French Gays Against America. No, liberals are people who were shot down by business thugs trying to make sure you had an eight-hour work day. Liberals are people who were lynched for saying people oughta be equal. Liberals fought against conservatives so women could vote. Liberals were beaten by the cops trying to stop the Vietnam War. And the next day they got up and kept keepin' on, and the next, and the next, until those battles were won.

It is this President and his buddies who will sell you out in a second, if big business wants them to do it. Do you want to talk about fear? I'll tell you about fear. Vote for the conservative agenda, because they'll kill you. They may not do it with a gun, but they'll kill you slowly, with broken promises of education for urban America so that young people have choice but to be gangbangin', with tax cuts that drain the Treasury like so many vampires, with health care policy that amounts to 'Just pray and hope Jesus wants 'em in heaven,' with an environmental policy that says clean air and water are decided on by energy companies, oh, and sorry about all the skin cancer and hurricanes, with a 'security policy' that begs for another terrorist attack on chemical plants or ports so that the Administration can remove the Constitution from the archives and wave it in front of Congress, howling to do away with, free speech, do away with habeas corpus and speedy trials for anyone suspected of anything.

You wanna vote for that 'cause you're afraid I'm a 'liberal'? Fine, do it. Keep clinging to that Republican-fed dream, as you're huddled in the darkness and cold because you can't afford the oil or gas to heat your house, even working fifteen hours a day at two jobs, as you're eating dog food and rationing out your scrips. Keep believing that better days are coming and blame those September 11 terrorists for makin' your life so miserable. You can comfort yourselves that you didn't vote for any 'liberals.'

Is there anyone out there who doesn't believe that the above response or one substantially like that, would have had an impact on the course of the election? I'm not saying it would have won it for Kerry or anything. It is merely an example of the kind of counter-punching the Democratic party needs to be doing.

The GOP has been saying up is down for so long, that people have begun to believe them. Morality in public policy means gay marriage, not decent health care. It's time to start calling lies, lies.